After 21 years of marriage, my husband passed away at an early age of 42. A series of events over the next three years took me through a dating relationship, and then the break up of that dating relationship. With the loss of my husband and now the loss of this new love, I felt as though the grief from both losses came pounding down upon me with full force! I was devastated. I was depressed. My chest ached with tightness and it literally felt like someone had torn my heart out, ripped it into pieces and then thrown it to the ground, not to leave before they trampled it. I cried continually. Any of you recognize any of those symptoms?
It was hard to get up in the morning and go to work. Fortunately, my guardian angel was my office manager who would sometimes call me in the mornings and tell me "It’s time to get up sweetie and get going. We need you at work today." I lost 30# because I couldn’t eat. My family feared that I would become anorexic. (Believe me, the stress diet is not the way to lose weight!) I spent hours trying to keep my mind focused on other things by reading, praying, talking and sometimes nearly yelling at God! Why did he allow such pain?
I had accepted the Lord at the age of 13, was baptized some 7 years later when I was 8 months pregnant with my oldest son. I attended church regularly for many years, raising my sons in the church atmosphere. And though I spent years of faithfully going to church services, I always longed for what I would hear other people described as a "love for Jesus." I wanted to "love" him and I was indebted and appreciative for his dying on the cross for me, but I never seemed to have the same feelings that I heard veteran Christians talk about. How come I couldn’t feel that way? I was trying!
In those earlier years, I attended church almost every time the doors were open. My life was consumed with working a full time job, raising my wonderful sons, trying to care for household and parenting duties, squeezing in church attendance, you know the description, trying to be the Super Mom. Exhausted at the end of the day to fall into bed and sleep at night. Many church services, not much time in the Word.
Now, through all this grief, the only peace I got was talking to the Lord. Praying continually that he would ease the pain. As I’d try to stay focused at work, the phrase "you don’t need to think about that, you don’t need to think about that" became embedded in my mind. When that didn’t work, I would read the scripture verses I had posted on the wall next to my desk. Psalm 36:17 "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles." And Psalm 40:1-2 "I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire." They became my prayers, that he would "hear my prayer" and that he would "lift me out of that slimy pit." (See October blog posts
Out of The Pit - Part 1 & 2)
On several occasions I had someone tell me, "Some day you’ll be glad you went through all this." I wanted to scream at them! "What are you talking about?" I literally thought they were crazy! Why would I EVER be glad I went through all this pain? There is no way I could ever say that! And now, 13 years later, I am sitting here writing this story to tell you that I AM GLAD that I went through all that pain (not the loss remind you, but I'm talking about the experience of the pain). It was pure torture & hell while it was happening. I NEVER want to go through it again! But that pain gave me more than one thing. Can you guess what happened to me?
After attending church and worshiping while I was there, after searching the scripture verses over and over (I’m surprised I didn’t have the Psalms memorized), and after spending so much time on my knees in prayer, I realized what a "relationship" with the Lord really meant! I learned to "love" the Lord. I learned to sympathize with others who are struggling with the loss of a loved one, whether by death or by separation of a relationship. I used to wonder why people didn’t "just get over it!" I now realize it’s not that easy and that ALL grief takes time to heal.
I have a heart of compassion for the broken hearted because it has taken on a whole new meaning to me. I learned that to Love someone, you first have to have a relationship. To have a relationship, you have to communicate, share your sorrows, the joy, the good times and the bad with that person. Once I started doing that with the Lord, I realized that now I really did have a relationship with him. One that has never wavered and is faithful and true. A relationship that will last a lifetime!
Esther publishes a Free Christian newsletter,
Heavenly News Online, which dedicates a special section to
Christian Singles.
http://heavenlynewsonline.com/Esther's other sites:
http://myspace.com/heavenlynewsonline
